After my brother passed away, my entire world was turned upside down. He knew how to brighten up a room, just by walking into it. I think back to the little things he used to do that drove me crazy and what I wouldn't give for them today.
A couple weeks ago, Peanut was out in the backyard, his took his flashlight and pointed it into the sky. At first, I just kept staring and looking at him, then he said King, hi. King is a pet name my sister and I used to call my brother. Trying not to cry in front of the little guy, I realized at that moment, how much I truly missed my brother. I have to tell myself that this is how life is now, that we are lucky to have him for the 28 years that we did, and we should feel blessed that he will remain forever in our hearts but deep in my heart, there is a hole that will never be filled because he is gone. Peanut asks questions about him all the time, what do you think it is like in Heaven, Mama?, do you think he is happy? is he safe? Some of the things he asks just blow my mind. Most of the time, I turn the questions back to him and ask what do you think? My reason being, I want him to feel comfortable and to speak his mind about what he is feeling and not to worry about what I think or believe.
He tells me that he is happy, and he is safe. I asked him what he felt Heaven was like and he said "Heaven is a place where you have all of your favorite things, Mama, he says in a quiet voice (almost as if he is asking me) "oh really?" "Yes, Mama, you have toys, ice cream and spiderman" Giggling on the outside and crying on the inside, "It sounds like a wonderful place." " Mama, do you think we could visit there, I want to play spiderman with Uncle Russell?"
As the tears are rolling down my face, then and now as I relive it, instantly the song by Justin Moore pops into my head, If Heaven Wasn't So Far Away.
Since we can't visit Heaven, we draw him pictures (the kiddos) and write him letters (me!), we tell him about the important things that are going on and even the little things like what we ate for breakfast. One day, when the time is right, we will pack it up and send it to him. It isn't quite ready yet. We are still looking for the right spiderman to put in.
The ironic part about this post is that this is the second time that I referenced a country song and my brother HATES country music. He use to ask me all the time, how can you listen to this? It's insane. Funny how the music that best describes how I feel is country.